[ Being poisoned twice in one month - almost felt like she was back home. ]
Not sure--- kin' spiders dragged me--
Somewhere in the dungeon--
[ The realisation sinks in a few seconds later. She'd failed Jordana. She'd said she was coming and let herself get set upon. That stings worse than the bites. ]
[ Trying isn't enough. She had promised herself after the Aegon incident that she would protect Jordana. Keeping her distance had led to this situation. ]
[Clearly Scully hadn't found Ren then when she went looking. By then Ren would've been spidernapped. The silence after the apology hung awkwardly for a moment.]
Why did it take this for you to talk to me again? If it hadn't, would you still be avoiding me?
[ Ren attempts to shake off the remaining poison and force herself to make sense. It comes out more blunt and honest than usual. ]
I'd still be avoiding you if this hadn't happened.
Because, I thought I could do something about this. Wasn't nothing I could do about your being dead. Couldn't see another one of you in my dreams every night.
[She was right; she didn't like it. She understood some of it, but she was still angry.]
So you decide to leave me alone? You toss me to the Wyrm spider and then abandon me? Not even a single check to make sure I even came back or came back right, leaving me to figure that out on my own when eveyone else doesn't fucking understand.
I get why you had me brought back, but I don't get why you stayed away. I needed you.
I wanted to set you to rest in the ground. They took you and Dana off me when I got back to shore. Thought I was monsterin' out - drove me away with fire. By the time I rounded back around, they'd taken you to the castle already.
I figured you'd never want t'hear from me again for lettin' it happen to you. I wouldn't.
[There was a moment of stark silence before Jordana erupted with all the anger she'd been holding back, the kind that she had learned over years and years to hold back, constantly burning like the wyldfire of her deedname that threatened to burn everything down if she didn't find something to channel it toward or it was drowned out by her harano.]
So in your infinite wisdom, you decided to not tell me what happened. In your shame that you couldn't stop them, you allowed the misconception that you had betrayed me and gave me to the Wyrm to persist. Instead of facing my potential anger directly, you hid like a coward.
[Each word was pointed like the Fury was spitting for fire.]
I deserved the truth of what happened. I deserved the chance to decide if I wanted to see you again or not. All of my fucking anger over this regarding you would've been extinguished if you'd just bothered to fucking talk to me!
It wasn't your fucking fault that I'm back. It wasn't your fault. You didn't "let" it happen; they forced you away.
Wolves aren't meant to be alone, and I know you're not a coward. Don't ever fucking hide your shame like this from me again.
It wasn't my fault that you died. It wasn't my fault you were taken. It wasn't my fault you're back. It wasn't my fault they forced me away. It wasn't my fault I couldn't save you from punishment. It wasn't my fault you had to serve that rapist.
When the fuck does it START being my fault?
I have a responsibility. That responsibility is to keep me and you safe. So far, I've failed at every turn. I couldn't-- I have to hold myself accountable for something. It is shameful I haven't protected you.
[In all her years as an alpha, Ren still had yet to learn the hardest lesson one has to learn: you can't save everyone. No matter what one tries, there will be casualties, prices will be paid, and the Wyrm persists. This was fact. This sense of futility was also where the teeth of harano gnawed. Jordana knew it well, and it cooled some of her fire.]
Fine, hold yourself accountable to the unreasonable standards that every damn Ahroun does. But don't fucking punish me while punishing yourself. I needed you.
So I will fucking blame you for the month and a half of silence, of loneliness, of wondering if that thing robbed me of my place as an ancestral spirit, without any Gaia-given support. The next time you feel you should be held accountable for something, consult a fucking Philodox for something appropriate.
[She then sighed, tucking the anger back away.] You haven't failed at every turn. You pulled me back from an episode of harano.
[ Ren sighs, long and heavy. The weight of her failure still pulls heavily on her shoulders. But taking care of Jordana is more important than the rest of it. It isn't about saving everyone for her, but protecting what little she has to defend at the moment.
Her philodox has not been displaying good judgment at the moment, but Ren values their relationship enough not to say that. Tact is a learned skill rather than a natural behaviour for her. ]
[Jordana was an emotional mess as of late, and she knew it. It was the lack of her pack and the weight of knowing she was likely dead back home that had her out of sorts. Plus all the pretty women.]
I accept your apology. I don't want you to stay away from me. I missed you.
I need help figuring out if the Duchess will be able to control me in ways beyond what we all go through. Or if she made me like that asshole you chewed on. I feel wrong.
I... tried scrubbing my skin off a few times to see if there was anything hidden under it.
[ From anyone else that offer might seem facetious and yet, Ren means it. ]
He had like...plates under his skin, my teeth bounced straight off it. When you're feeling up to it, we can try get under your skin and I can take the injury away straight off.
Yeah, we can do that. It will definitely get deep enough.
[And the aggravated damage would be worth it.]
And neither of us are going to mention this plan to Vex. She's holding very tight to there being nothing wrong with me. I think she'd understand, but I don't need to cause her unnecessary worry.
I wish. [Jordana sighed.] Things with Dana are complicated. We've talked and managed to move past the Veil thing, and I'm still very much interested. There's still something there, something in still pursuing, but I also think she's kind of allergic to dating. She's also new to women so... we'll see.
Vex and I have been messing around for months and the whole dying thing made it clear we'd moved beyond a casual thing. So we're trying this dating thing. She's also dating Sweeney so we have an open relationship. Don't make a big deal about it.
I'll eat the face off of anyone that hurts either of them.
Doctors. They're like that. [ Asher, the partner that Ren did not talk about often, was similarly allergic to dating or confirmations of commitment. Something to do with their highly strung attitudes. ] I'm in no position to judge people on their dating choices, Jor.
[ She sighs. ] Can we try to keep the face eatin' to a minimum until we get our arses out of here, please?
I'm trying. I'm just so angry. Its been years side this kind of anger has sat so strongly in my chest.
I'm going to kill them all. Everyone that cut me up. Everyone that Vex is willing to point out to me as those that touched her. All of them, including that void-touched yeast infection. But I'll wait until we're no longer locked behind these walls. Vengeance has no time limit.
[ She would try to talk sense into Jordana, but what would be the point? She was fucking right. It was so weird that everyone was so accepting of it here. ]
We'll talk about this later.
[ Not because she didn't want to, but because Ren had heard the spider bitch listens to their mental chatter and she doesn't trust this conversation inside these walls. She can't let something happen to Jordana until they get out of here. ]
I'm on my way. Poison's wore off enough now that I can feel my feet again.
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Not sure--- kin' spiders dragged me--
Somewhere in the dungeon--
[ The realisation sinks in a few seconds later. She'd failed Jordana. She'd said she was coming and let herself get set upon. That stings worse than the bites. ]
Vex-- both safe?
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[She was silent for a moment, wrangling her rage. She was still angry at Ren but not for this.]
It's ok. You tried.
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I'm sorry.
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Why did it take this for you to talk to me again? If it hadn't, would you still be avoiding me?
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I'd still be avoiding you if this hadn't happened.
Because, I thought I could do something about this. Wasn't nothing I could do about your being dead. Couldn't see another one of you in my dreams every night.
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So you decide to leave me alone? You toss me to the Wyrm spider and then abandon me? Not even a single check to make sure I even came back or came back right, leaving me to figure that out on my own when eveyone else doesn't fucking understand.
I get why you had me brought back, but I don't get why you stayed away. I needed you.
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I wanted to set you to rest in the ground. They took you and Dana off me when I got back to shore. Thought I was monsterin' out - drove me away with fire. By the time I rounded back around, they'd taken you to the castle already.
I figured you'd never want t'hear from me again for lettin' it happen to you. I wouldn't.
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So in your infinite wisdom, you decided to not tell me what happened. In your shame that you couldn't stop them, you allowed the misconception that you had betrayed me and gave me to the Wyrm to persist. Instead of facing my potential anger directly, you hid like a coward.
[Each word was pointed like the Fury was spitting for fire.]
I deserved the truth of what happened. I deserved the chance to decide if I wanted to see you again or not. All of my fucking anger over this regarding you would've been extinguished if you'd just bothered to fucking talk to me!
It wasn't your fucking fault that I'm back. It wasn't your fault. You didn't "let" it happen; they forced you away.
Wolves aren't meant to be alone, and I know you're not a coward. Don't ever fucking hide your shame like this from me again.
cw: rape reference
When the fuck does it START being my fault?
I have a responsibility. That responsibility is to keep me and you safe. So far, I've failed at every turn. I couldn't-- I have to hold myself accountable for something. It is shameful I haven't protected you.
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Fine, hold yourself accountable to the unreasonable standards that every damn Ahroun does. But don't fucking punish me while punishing yourself. I needed you.
So I will fucking blame you for the month and a half of silence, of loneliness, of wondering if that thing robbed me of my place as an ancestral spirit, without any Gaia-given support. The next time you feel you should be held accountable for something, consult a fucking Philodox for something appropriate.
[She then sighed, tucking the anger back away.] You haven't failed at every turn. You pulled me back from an episode of harano.
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Her philodox has not been displaying good judgment at the moment, but Ren values their relationship enough not to say that. Tact is a learned skill rather than a natural behaviour for her. ]
I didn't mean to punish you. I'm sorry.
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I accept your apology. I don't want you to stay away from me. I missed you.
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[ But yet again, not important. It just comes naturally to make everything a report. ]
What can I do to help?
cw: self-harm
I need help figuring out if the Duchess will be able to control me in ways beyond what we all go through. Or if she made me like that asshole you chewed on. I feel wrong.
I... tried scrubbing my skin off a few times to see if there was anything hidden under it.
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[ From anyone else that offer might seem facetious and yet, Ren means it. ]
He had like...plates under his skin, my teeth bounced straight off it. When you're feeling up to it, we can try get under your skin and I can take the injury away straight off.
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[And the aggravated damage would be worth it.]
And neither of us are going to mention this plan to Vex. She's holding very tight to there being nothing wrong with me. I think she'd understand, but I don't need to cause her unnecessary worry.
[A beat.] Oh, we're dating. Non-exclusive.
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[ Help. Her babysitter FUCKS and it's giving her some complicated feelings. ]
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Vex and I have been messing around for months and the whole dying thing made it clear we'd moved beyond a casual thing. So we're trying this dating thing. She's also dating Sweeney so we have an open relationship. Don't make a big deal about it.
I'll eat the face off of anyone that hurts either of them.
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[ She sighs. ] Can we try to keep the face eatin' to a minimum until we get our arses out of here, please?
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I'm going to kill them all. Everyone that cut me up. Everyone that Vex is willing to point out to me as those that touched her. All of them, including that void-touched yeast infection. But I'll wait until we're no longer locked behind these walls. Vengeance has no time limit.
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We'll talk about this later.
[ Not because she didn't want to, but because Ren had heard the spider bitch listens to their mental chatter and she doesn't trust this conversation inside these walls. She can't let something happen to Jordana until they get out of here. ]
I'm on my way. Poison's wore off enough now that I can feel my feet again.
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🎀?